Love From the Source
Reflecting on 2022
On a hike New Year’s Eve last year in Kenya, I was in a tree with five teenagers, our eyes landing on vibrant terrain as far as we could see. I mark this walk/hike as one of my landing moments of this year, although it was the final day of 2021. I credit my confidence in my calling to this group of children in their country of Kenya to the peace the Lord covers me with when truly invested alongside them. As we were walking back home with the kids running far ahead of us, a close friend walking next to me, and acacia trees covering us from the sun, the Lord’s presence was lavished on us. My prayer is for every year of my life and your life to start like that - no matter the season, saturated in the presence of God.
Two months later, I was on a plane back to Kenya, where my world would flip in the following days. Sometimes it’s in reflection where we recognize the graciousness of the Father. For me, it was not granting the knowledge I now possess and understanding His shielding and omniscience was indeed for my protection. I mean, how differently would we live knowing life changing moments are about to come barreling at us? And what if we learned of all the information at once when we were only meant to learn gradually? I’d live drastically different, and I wonder if your answer may be the same.
My reflection from this year is far different from any year before. This has been the hardest year of my life and it quickly became one full of surrender to the Lord. This is where my prior reference point of knowledge plays a huge role. The depth of my surrendering would have looked entirely different had I known the ways the Father would show up for me, fully present, as He always does and always has. I wouldn’t have released my hands in the same way, weeping “not my will, but yours be done,” when I had no clue what would come next. This was my story for the middle eight months of this year. In March, there was loss like I’d never known. A loss I will spend the rest of my life learning to grieve. But somehow far grander, there was love like I’d never known. Love from the source that showered me with His presence and through His people. I was wrapped in it like never before.
While there isn’t a single day I don’t ache for our family’s precious girl to experience too, I would be horribly mistaken to remove the moments where true, deep joy met, mingled, and made its presence known, even if it was a new kind of joy.
My very favorite people came together to celebrate one another - birthdays, moves & new homes - both next door and across the world, engagements & weddings, all the while teaching me that joy is right there dancing with the sadness. There were clinked glasses, meals cooked, and life shared over them. I was reminded time and time again the value of chosen family. There were more letters written and sent in the mail than I can count. Books on books on books shared and read. Consumed triple the recommended amount of coffee (maybe more). I took too many pictures. & then didn’t take enough. Moved a ten-hour drive from my family. Cried in the arms of my people in airports all over the world. Walked in friends’ front doors without knocking like we’re family (because we are). Learned more about grief than I ever cared to. Learned more about love than I ever thought possible in a year. Leaned into the Lord’s voice, witnessed His kindness in new ways & felt His presence like never before.
To sum it up much shorter…I loved & lost. And every day I’m learning, I’m learning, I’m learning to grab hold of Jesus’ hand and love bigger and better than I did yesterday.